Most
people with poor boundaries setting skills are usually victims of their
upbringing. As children, they were probably exposed to adults that did not
realise the importance of raising children appropriately. They are usually not
taught values that help them to be more considerate, tolerant and supportive
without letting them lose their sense of identity. For example, a working
mother, who doesn’t have time to cook, may allow her children to eat anything,
anytime, anywhere. The mother had successfully allowed her laziness to
overshadow teaching her children the values of hygiene, comfort and
satisfaction of eating homemade meals.
In
such situation, the children grow up thinking that boundaries don't matter. They
grow up without identifying a clear pattern of setting personal boundaries.
Because they do not have theirs there is every tendencies they might likely
resent those who have successfully developed healthy personal boundaries and
may want to intrude on it.
In
a bid to develop a semblance of personal boundaries, they adopt the rigid or
inflexible boundaries. However, because, these are not healthy boundaries, it
affects their relationship with people as they are often seen as too rigid and
impersonal and this prevent them from enjoying a wholesome relationship with
others. Sometimes they are always on the edge of emotional breakdown.
How
to spot unhealthy boundaries and fix them
 |
Lack
of a Sense of Identity
A
good way of knowing you have unhealthy boundaries is when you depend on another
person for your identity and can hardly stand on your own to do anything
worthwhile. Everyone is unique however, if you always have to draw your
inspiration from others just to be identified with them, then there is
something wrong. This also shows up if we are ready to do anything I mean just
anything to keep being friends with such people. Sometimes, many people have
become victims of horrible physical, emotional and sexual abuse because they
want to keep being friends with certain people who do not truly value them as a
person.
Rather
than keep being tied to such people, the best way is to really discover what
makes you unique and enjoy it. It may take time but it is usually worth it.
Identify and cultivate your God-given talents and nurture them. Gradually, you
would begin to see that you would have a fulfilling relationship with others
and you can actually be who you want to be without depending on anybody for
your identity.
A
better approach to appreciate other people’s boundaries, especially those close
to you, is to allow them make decisions without your direct influence. This is
quite healthy and it shows you are confident of their decision making skills.
Even when they fail at it, it leaves them with their integrity intact. Such attitudes
speak of your trust and respect for such person and the choices they have
chosen to make. Refuse to be a manipulator in your relationship by imposing
yourself at all times on people.
Although,
there are times when circumstances might warrant you to close in to the
personal space of others, especially when you have to display worthy virtues
such as sympathy and compassion. This should however, not be abused. It is not
an excuse for one partner to dominate the other.
Another
way to spot unhealthy boundaries is when you need to have someone make you feel
complete or depending on such person for happiness. As much as possible, try to
enjoy your personal company. Set goals that challenges you and try to achieve
them. Fill your life with pursuits that makes life meaningful and fulfilling.
This is the time to take up a new hobby such as learning a second language,
things you have secretly desire to know how to do, take it up and go for it. The
amount of time needed will take your mind off the person you think you need to
feel complete.
Lack
of boundaries etiquette lead to boundary invasion. Boundary invasions is an
impolite form of unhealthy boundary. The following are some of the ways in which
boundary invasions take place:
- Getting unnecessary close to others and
invading their personal space.
- Inappropriate touching such as making
unwanted sexual advances
- Looking through others personal files,
letters, documents, etc.
- Not allowing others their personal
space. An example would be barging into your boss’ office without
knocking.
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